one thousand acts of arson.

Good Midday America. You know what really grinds my gears? Church. And Cell phones. And by cell phones, I specifically mean the Verizon LG Chocolate.

Let’s begin with Church:

Nowhere else can you find the worst human beings on the planet, except maybe at the Republican National Convention…granted Church and RNC are virtually synonymous. The people in most American churches profess to be “god-fearing”, wholesome, relatively decent people…but they’re not. At all. They gossip like schoolgirls. They cheat on their spouses with other members of the church. They flaunt their money like people actually care how much money they gave this week. This, sadly, is an actual conversation I heard while listening to a sermon a few weeks ago.

Church Goer One: “My wife and I started tithing 12% of our money instead of 10% because we feel like God blesses us more than most families, so we wanted to give something back to him, you know?”

Church Goer Two:“I totally get what you mean. My husband and I have been giving 12% for a few years now and donated $10,000 to fund our neighbor’s mission trip to Africa.

Church Goer One: “Wow…that’s really impressive. You’re a really good person *blank*.”

Church Goer Two: “I really think that Africa needs a lot of help, so I feel like I personally contributed to the solution.”

I’d really like to say that I was impressed by the seemingly selfless philanthropic nature of “Church Goer Two”, but I wasn’t. I actually pulled out my Glock and went *gat* *gat* *gat* in the back of “Church Goer Two’s” head.

Since when does donating more money than someone else secure you more of God’s love? God is NOT a prostitute and I’m sure he/she would appreciate it if you’d all stop treating him like a cheap whore/genie being who will grant unlimited wishes as long as you attend his club and pay your dues.

Now moving on to Cell Phones:

I hate that I can’t feel like a complete being if I am not carrying around my cell phone. I actually feel nude, yes nude, if my cell phone isn’t in the left pocket of the day’s pants. The story following is one of pure RRRRRAAAAAAGGGGGGGGEEEEEEE!

STORY: I was driving to church this morning, as I do every Sunday morning. The Flobots were on the radio and I knew today would be relatively mediocre to possibly decent. I got to the church parking lot just as the ending lines of the song were floating across the airwaves, confirming that I can, indeed, ride my bike with no handlebars. I got out of my car to check my phone because I thought I felt it vibrate while I was driving and being the responsible patriot that I am, did not check it. What I actually felt, apparently, was my phone’s seizure-like attempts at getting my attention to let me know it was about to commit suicide.

Sadly…my phone did commit suicide at 9:04 a.m on May 25, 2008

All I could say when I saw the fluorescent white screen was “GOD!!! Not again…”, as that phone was my FOURTH LG Chocolate since June 2007. All have been replaced due to faulty craftsmanship, yet they replace them with the same crappy hardware, over and over and over and over. If this Chocolate flips out and kills iteself, I’m switching to Alltell so Chad and The Wizard can take care of my phone.

You better watch out Verizon and Organized Religion, because you both really grind my gears.

Thank you and Goodnight.

Cody.